Thursday, July 14, 2011
The dating world of the child-free
Recently in our yahoo group and facebook forums there's been some comments about the types of people who are "out there" and "available".
Unlike my local paper I am not using quotation marks excessively. I'm truly quoting someone and expressing some doubt about their availability.
It seems that a lot of singles on dating sites are approached (virtually) by parents of one form or another...married, divorced, single...whatever.
Despite the CF person's profile being very clear on the subject of children in the relationship at any point in time, it seems many parents still see them as fair game.
It got me thinking about why people would ignore these choices from another person.
It also got me wondering (again) about how I got so lucky.
I know I can't possibly have magical insight into why the predators in this scenario choose to behave the way they do. Their motives are many I am sure.
Maybe they see the child-free single person as a pre-doomed relationship.
By that I mean, if, and that is a big if, they manage to land a date with a child-free person they know up front that the relationship has a use-by date. They know that whatever they can get out of the relationship permanency is not one of those things.
Because of the internet it has become a much simpler numbers game. In the old days we had to go outside and go places to meet lots of potential partners. Now we just roll out of bed and log on.
This is a fantastic thing for those seeking partners. It is also a boon for those wanting to play games.
Imagine being in a relationship that includes children. Imagine that you aren't getting much in the way of loving from your partner. They may be dead, too busy, too tired, too pregnant, too unattractive now, too with someone else and quite probably just too uninterested anymore. Imagine that for some retarded reason you choose to remain in that relationship.
Right now any attention you get from anyone of the opposite sex is looking pretty damn good. So you logon on, get yourself an account on a dating site and start looking.
BOOM! Right there you have the reason why the childfree are targeted on dating sites. Right there you have the reason why all the CF stuff in their profiles seems to be ignored.
It isn't being ignored. It is being factored in people...FACTORED IN!
Maybe, just maybe, the way to find "the right person" through online dating is to NOT mention your CF status? Maybe that should be saved for face to face. That is what I had to do and it worked for me. Internet dating didn't exist for me.
When I met Susan the most amazing thing was our honesty. We gave completely of each other (perhaps even too much too early some may say) and found out pretty fast that we shared the child-free thing.
There was never a point when we didn't trust each other. We had some frank discussions and covered some scary ground but there was never any dishonesty involved.
What do I know about online dating? Not much I suppose in the final analysis. I've never had to do it. I know that if it had been available and socially acceptable when I was single I probably would have used it.
What I do know is that dating was a way to connect with people, spend time with them and find stuff out.
Back then dating was a physical thing where I tried to hide the real me as much as possible lest it scare people off. I certainly would not have advertised any flaws or socially awkward opinions.
It wasn't until I was truly "being me" that dating became simple. It wasn't until I had the confidence to "sample and reject" dates that the door opened.
Don't get me wrong. Statistically I am probably low on the dating success scale. Women mostly rejected me. :-) But when it worked, boy did it work.
So my conclusion?
I think online filtering combined with a high dose of face to face rejections might just get you to an acceptable partner faster than using online dating as your primary filter.
Maybe factoring face-to-face disappointment in will make it easier to sample and reject? Maybe expecting perfection makes it hard to sample because in your heart you know the odds are slim?
Head towards the people you like, not away from those you don't and if you see a light at the end of the tunnel remember it could be heaven or it could be an oncoming freight train ;-)